


“But I am not made for bliss

by fickle_minded_heart



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Emotional Infidelity, M/M, Minor Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 06:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10551522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fickle_minded_heart/pseuds/fickle_minded_heart
Summary: “To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”





	

The therapy started the way it always did, with Obi-Wan crying. It seems the young man could go on crying forever. The patient seems to cry for that young boy that had suffered so much, still, the old wounds had not healed.  
“How you’ve been?”  
“Marvelous, thank you, and you? How’s the wife, your kids?  
“Obi-Wan, stop misdirecting the conversation”  
“Sorry”  
"You don't have to apologize," the therapist said for the hundredth time since he had met the young man “Do you want to talk about something specific?”

The redhead turned to the window, it was a nice view, and if it afforded a few seconds to think…  
The therapist was a fantastic one, Mace Windu, recommended by professor Koon, his no-nonsense approach was interesting, he didn’t try to coddle him, but make him analyze the situation and his feelings. Even when sometimes he make him want to scream in frustration.

“Two days ago he asked me to marry him,” the redhead said in a monotone voice.  
“And”  
“And I…” “I want to end my relationship”  
The dark man was a little surprised, not because he thought the relationship was a healthy one, because it wasn’t, but his patient seems to like his partner enough to continue with it for the future.  
“Why?”  
“I don’t love him...I think I never will. He’s suffocating and jealous and possessive and I can’t breath when I’m with him," a long pause "I had lunch with Qui-Gon again...”

Qui-Gon, his patient colleague, he’s seen Obi-Wan fall into an emotional relationship with the man, it’s clear he’s in love, only the issue of the man being in a relationship of more than 10 years.

“And?”  
The seconds seem to stretch for hours. The young professor was in a world of his own.  
“I think I love him”...”I think he loves me too”  
The last was said in a whisper, as if afraid the man, or his partner or, heavens forbid Anakin will hear.

“I just wish the world would stop for one hour so I can think” running his hand over his hair in frustration “I just wish I could love Anakin, it would be so much easier” in a defeated tone  
“What did you told Anakin?”  
“That I needed time to think. That didn’t go over as well as I would have liked” “he was a little violent”  
“What do you mean?”  
“He...grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me against the wall, start to kiss me and said how much he loves me, how much he needs me, and I know he’s trying to manipulate me… this is such bullshit, but at the same time I feel so guilty”

Emotional infidelity could be destructive to a relationship, sometimes even more than a sexual infidelity. It was obvious that Anakin was aware of the lack of interest that Obi-Wan had in their relationship since the beginning, the fact that now Obi-Wan had developed feelings for his colleague must have been the reason for the hasty marriage proposal.

Maybe the ultimatum could be good for Obi-Wan, help him put things into perspective. The man was beautiful, smart, with a sarcastic sense of humor that was fascinating to the therapist, but still, the feelings of inadequacy were battling inside the young man, the bounds of depression and anxiety were sometimes crippling.

“He’s never going to leave her for me, is he? I mean why would he?, she’s beautiful and kind and I’m a completely toxic mess that no one would like to be near”

“Obi-Wan”

“I fantasize about him, you know?, when I’m alone, I imagine him, his kind smile and beautiful hands, telling me he left her, that we can be together, holding me on my ratty couch, watching old movies” “Even when…” ”even when I’m with Anakin, I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like, sex with him I mean, if it would be different... better, if I could finally _feel_ something and not just lie there waiting for him to finish so I can go back to read my book”

The ringing of his phone is loud. As the redhead looks at the screen his face turns angry. “Anakin... he knows I’m in therapy, why is he calling me? can’t I have 50 minutes to myself? is that too much to ask?” “I’m so tired, but I don’t want to hurt him, Anakin is… he deserves someone who can love him”.

And although Mace knows the relationship is difficult, and that his partner has some anger issues, he also knows that the blond loves Obi-Wan, the same way he knows Obi-Wan cannot love him back. Anakin is fighting a losing battle. And more importantly, Obi-Wan has finally made his mind about the situation.

“If I end things with him…. When I end things with him, he’s not going to forgive me, is he?”

“Probably no, but if you continue a relationship that you see no future in, you will be hurting him more,” the therapist said, “you will only be prolonging the suffering for you _and_ him, and as you said, he deserves someone who can love him”.

It’s strange the way the therapy with Obi-Wan develops, sometimes Mace things there’s more silences than conversations, and yet, he can see the improvement in the young man. The curious thing is that Obi-Wan is a very emotional person, but is so afraid of that part of himself that he tends to overanalyze every little aspect of his feelings until they make no more sense, takes feelings and turns them into the mathematical formulas that he loves so much, giving the impression of being a cool and detached person. Mace is sure if giving the chance to develop in a healthy supportive environment the young professor will be an extraordinary man.

“Time is up” He sounds sad. “Everything looks so simple and makes sense when I’m here, but as soon as I’m out the door, everything becomes convoluted”  
“He gave you time, you can think about your options, and make a choice”  
“Yes”  
He stood up, grabbing his messenger bag, despite all the worries and fears and dry tears on his cheeks, the young man took a deep breath and smiled.  
“See you next week Mace”  
“See you next week Obi-Wan”

**Author's Note:**

> Summary is a quote by Federico García Lorca.


End file.
